That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
