Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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