Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
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