dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
