Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
my phone needs a breathalizer
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
