Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
