He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
