Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
