i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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