i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
