I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
