Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize