My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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