first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Randomize
