Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
