oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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