He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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