I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
where are you?
Hypothermia
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
