So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
