we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
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Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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