If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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