guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
