I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
