It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
