Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I just found a bag of teeth...
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
