do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
