chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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