Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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