I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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