I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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