My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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