and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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