apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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