Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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