Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
