1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
