I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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