Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
