You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
