Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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