I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
ttyl tear gas
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
