Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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