so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
