Yo dont text me then not text me
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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