woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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