I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
