can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
