can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
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