Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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