Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
The Olympian is in my bed
Randomize
