Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
