hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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