Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
