Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
