I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
