I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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