and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
