Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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