I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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